Tuesday, July 26, 2011
We have been back home from our annual pilgrimage to Kentucky for a day now. Yesterday was a wash because it always takes time to recuperate from vacation.
I have always wondered why it takes a few days to get back into the swing of being home, and why I am always tired after vacation. Vacation is supposed to renew and refresh - right?
I have come to see that vacations with just my immediate family - like trips to the beach - do renew my spirit and energy. Vacations which involve visiting other family members - on either side - not so much.
I think this has to do with the stresses of family dynamics. We aren't around the other family members all the time and just don't know how to approach each situation. For me, this means constant worry that the wrong thing will get said or done, and that is just plain emotionally exhausting!
I also see, after being at a family reunion over the weekend, that times change, but people don't so much. Oh, we are all getting older. Some are no longer with us. New ones have come onto the scene. But the family hierarchy still remains.
It doesn't matter how old you are, in some situations you will always be 9 years old.
This trip also just put me into a funk. It seems that I am constantly wrestling with God. Looking back, I guess I have always done that, because I can't remember a time when I wasn't wondering if I was hearing Him correctly.
You would think that by now I would be confident in hearing His voice and knowing the promptings of the Spirit. But I still seem to be in a quagmire of confusion over what I am doing. Does this ever end? Will the path ever be clear?
Sometimes I think my Grandma and Grandpa had it easy in that respect. Their options were limited being that they lived back in a "holler" in Kentucky. Farming and raising your kids was pretty much what you did and there weren't a bunch of influences making you doubt whether or not that was God's path for you or not.
Maybe it is just that I am now 54, and I still worry that I am not doing right by the family by being at home and not working, or that I am somehow diminishing my kid's chances by homeschooling them.
Maybe it is because I see that there is technically only 11 years until "retirement" and we are no closer the financial security than we were 20 years ago.
Maybe it is because I can't see the path out that puts me in such a down mood. Am I missing God's direction? Have I misinterpreted something? Maybe I need and intervention.
I sure could use a burning bush about now...